Continuing on with my lessons learned from Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying, it’s interesting to read what Roshi Joan has written about the nonduality of life and death. Just like suffering and freedom from suffering are really borne from the same cloth, so is life and death. Here is a paraphrased excerpt from the book (page 84):
– We only exist through an interconnectedness with those in our life
– You are in relationship with literally everything in the phenomenal world, past, present and future
– You are nonduality itself because of this interconnected web
– Everything that happens in life is because of the reality of this interconnectedness
– Even though we can deduce this logically, we must experience liberation to make this truth real to us
By the way, my friend forwarded me this short essay – “On Death and Love” – by Melanie Challenger. Check it out…
Following up on my reading of Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying,” Chapter 12 delves into wounded healers and the shadow side of caregiving. The shadow side emerges when we forget that there is no “I” in doing good for another but simply choiceless responsiveness. The right hand is taking care of the left. Nonduality.
Roshi Joan provides examples of the pitfalls that can emerge. The Hero is when someone goes far beyond what is sensible. Their identity forged on the anvil of good acts. The Martyr, who is just a late-stage, burned out hero. There is the intrusive Parent, thinking they know what’s best. The Expert is an overextended medical professional. And more…
Following up on my reading of Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying,” I learned the importance of not judging which of these six responses a person happens to have. That we all have a different death journey, just like we all have a different life journey. And that it’s possible to find liberation in even the most challenging of circumstances.
Here are the six typical responses to dying:
1. Fear – Fear can help us see what is truly important – it can help us to prioritize. Its natural to feel afraid of dying, whether it be pain, the loss of all that is precious to us. Accepting death as a natural part of life is hard to do and can be a terrible obstacle to dying well.
2. Denial – Denial can have a wisdom all its own. It can help bring peace.
3 Grieving – Worried about the loss of a life not fully lived. It can provide value to help bring someone to a deeper level of compassion.
4. Defying – Doing everything possible to prolong life. Even though death is inevitable, most people will do whatever they can to prolong it.
5. Acceptance – To be accepting, it takes great presence of mind and a radical ability to embrace what every moment brings. Coming to terms with the truth of impermanence. The natural order. Some people get angry if they’re resuscitated and not being allowed to accept death on its own terms.
6. Liberating – Perhaps the most fortunate and rarest response – embracing a powerful opportunity for enlightenment. Free from fear. Each moment is new and complete.
Following up on my reading of Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying,” I got a lot of value about the idea of talking in “council.” The idea for caregivers and the dying to sit together and speak honestly and openly together. Listening devoutly and intently. These guiding principles for this group practice rang true:
1. Speaking from the heart
2. Listening from the heart
3. Speaking concisely
4. Speaking spontaneously
I also found the idea of a “speaking object” interesting. That whomever held that object, it was a way of indicating that it was their turn to speak (ie. no cross-talk).
I also was drawn to the notion that many of the dying wish to sit in silence with you. That they don’t want the routinized communication, idle chatter and repeated questions. Merely being in presence was the support that they treasure the most…
As part of a 30-day intentions/restraints practice, I’m back to reading Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying.” In Chapter 10, Roshi Joan talks about how one can’t fully help others unless we help ourselves first. She suggests using a series of mantras as one way to get the ball rolling in that regard, mantras such as “I turn towards my suffering with kindness” or “May I be happy.”
She talks about having a spirtual practice to develop a concentrated, still place in which to cultivate calmness and kindness, including these principles for self-care:
1. See your limits with compassion
2. Set up a schedule that is sane
3. Know what practices and activities refresh you (and make time for them)
4. Actively involve, include and support other caregivers
5. Develop a plan for doing your work in a way that is mindful, restorative, wholesome and healthy
Given that breathing is at the heart of the practice of mindfulness – I feel calm just typing that – I thought I’d list my 10 favorite songs about breathing:
My intention for this year is to become more familiar with dying, particularly being with dying. I’m presently reading Roshi Joan Halifax’s “Being with Dying” and it’s been enlightening.
Right now, I’m learning how to deal with the suffering that often comes with the final stages of death. And how to be with it. Here’s an excerpt that highlights the points made about truly being present when with someone who is dying – letting go to attachments to how the death should be – and also compassionate and open to relieving suffering if possible:
This double-arrowed vision is yet another paradox of being with dying. I try to open to both suffering and freedom from suffering. If I see only suffering, then I am caught in the relative nature of existence: we are nothing but suffering. But if I see only the pure and vast heart, then I am denying our human experience.
One of the more fundamental functions of being human – of being a mammal, an animal – is eating. It’s a repetitive process, for which we almost always are on autopilot. Not only do most of us tend to eat the same foods every day – I eat peanut butter every morning – but the way in which we eat is often the same. One of the big adjustments for me during my first silent retreat was eating at a much slower pace – putting my utensils down after each bite. It was a profound experience.
This podcast with Jonathan Foust talks about eating as a spiritual practice. Jonathan notes we can transform our relationship with food. That we can be more mindful, that we can use our senses intentionally while consuming. All of our senses. Savoring each moment during a meal.
One key is to avoid binging when we’re not hungry. Learning to be aware of what are our triggers that cause binging. The environment and emotions that contribute to that. What are those dining companions that cause us to binge?
Jonathan also talks about how to replace self-criticism with compassion when it comes to food. How to be curious and playful with our meals. Eat, drink and be mindful. This book – “Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think” – by Brian Wansink can teach us more…
As someone near that age where you think about such things, this note from Eric Weigel caught my eye:
Really insightful article on how to think about what you need in life. As retirement coaches/advisors we are often asked about the “number.” How much do I need to retire? But invariably that number keeps ratcheding up as capital markets reach yet another high.
When is enough really enough? When do you just buy that lifetime annuity and forget about how much the S&P 500 has gone up? Or simply, bring your risk down to enable you to sleep better, worry less, and actually enjoy your time doing the things that matter to you? How do you know if you are wealthy?
Hint: When what you have is enough.
Implication: Find out what enough is for you. Please read this wonderful article. It will shift your mindset toward more joy in your life – rich or poor!
I also like this article about “when to quit” by Andre Spicer. And this dharma talk from Jonathan Foust really helped me out on this topic…”the never-ending path of self-improvement”…the remarks at the 9:00 mark about “knowing how much is enough” is key…
Last week, I blogged about “Riding the Ox Home” by John Daido Loori and the stages of enlightenment. Here are a few takeaways about the first stage:
1. The first stage is about becoming aware that a spiritual search can be a directive force in our lives.
2. We ask ourselves, “what is it that we want to accomplish during our lifetime?”
3. The search can’t begin until the real questions arise. Approaching the world with a beginner’s mind. Raise our consciousness and clarify our purpose.
4. Look deeply at what we are doing, and understand why it is what we do. Bring our doubts into view.
5. The moment is where our life takes place. Break out of our inner conversation.