Last week, I blogged about “Riding the Ox Home” by John Daido Loori and the stages of enlightenment. Here are a few takeaways about the first stage:

1. The first stage is about becoming aware that a spiritual search can be a directive force in our lives.
2. We ask ourselves, “what is it that we want to accomplish during our lifetime?”
3. The search can’t begin until the real questions arise. Approaching the world with a beginner’s mind. Raise our consciousness and clarify our purpose.
4. Look deeply at what we are doing, and understand why it is what we do. Bring our doubts into view.
5. The moment is where our life takes place. Break out of our inner conversation.

I’ve been reading “Riding the Ox Home” by John Daido Loori. I love it’s simplicity. It’s a very easy read. Short and to the point. Although John explains that those of us residing in Western Civilization like our mileposts and “certifications,” the path to enlightenment is not like that at all. Having said that, the purpose of the book is to describe the stages on the path of enlightenment. Here’s an excerpt:

When we are presented with a map of a terrain, we don’t confuse the picture for the reality of the landscape we are walking through. We need to keep this distinction in mind when reading a description of a spiritual journey. A description of a path is not the path itself. No two people experience the same spiritual journey…

I’ve blogged before about this 45-minute dharma talk from Jonathan Foust about the nature of romantic relationships. Here are some of the points he makes about breaking up (the breaking up stuff starts at the 24-minute mark):

– How do you know when it’s over? Ram Das (through a channeled Emmanuel – long story) asks “how do you know it’s over?” The answer is ‘quite frankly my dear, when you’ve had enough’. This is a really edgy thing because leaving a relationship can be life-affirming but you’re also running away from a personal growth opportunity.

– You might get to a point where you’re asking “have I really turned over every stone?” You just realize that the relationship isn’t working anymore. You tell each other what lights each of you up and you’re unable to support each other in that.

– Breaking up has the same five stages as grief: denial, bargaining, anger, resignation & depression, accommodation. You can’t rush through grief. Acknowledge the hurt and the loss but don’t indulge in it so that it’s all-consuming.

– If you get dumped, you’ll have the challenge of needing to overcome the neurological grooves that the relationship imprinted in your brain. You have to mindfully break the pattern by changing the channel and avoiding the dopamine craving by the brain that can be fulfilled by obsessing about the past. Take proactive steps like removing the material possessions that provide reminders of your former partner, keep busy, lean on friends that tell you that you need to break the pattern. Literally change your physical state through exercise. Consider seeing a therapist to learn more about yourself.

– When you’re ready to try a new relationship, you have the opportunity to be more awake about what you really want. There’s a natural tendency to have a negativity bias about your past relationship, the traits that your former partner had. But you can actually use that experience to your advantage – pick out the aspects you liked and that can help you generate a composite of what enlivens you. Ask what do you really want? That’s your guiding light.

As it’s my last day of my youth, I’m doubling down of taking it day-by-day, enjoying the simple moments. I love me these lyrics from Des’ree’s song entitled “Life”:

I’ll take you up on a dare,
Anytime, anywhere
Name the place, I’ll be there,
Bungee jumping, I don’t care!

Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
Doo, doot doot dooo.
Life, oh life, oh life, oh life,
Doo, doot dooo
Life, doo, doot dooo
Doo, doot dooo

So after all is said and done
I know I’m not the only one
Life indeed can be fun, if you really want to

Sometimes living out your dreams,
Ain’t as easy as it seems
You want to fly around the world,
In a beautiful balloon

I’ve blogged before about how my wife & I regularly do a check-in exercise that we’ve slightly modified from what Jonathan Foust has taught me. It’s incredibly powerful and helps to keep us connected. This 45-minute dharma talk from Jonathan provides great insights into the nature of romantic relationships. Here’s some of the points he makes:

– Jonathan is always careful to note that he’s not a couples therapist, but he does know communication techniques that can be helpful.

– Many harbor the mistaken belief that by meeting someone, they can make us whole & happy.

– Yet, a key to a successful relations is understanding yourself. The Imago therapy model is that our wounds tend to show up in our relationships. So knowing your own wounds is crucial to understanding whether a potential partner can help you work with your issues.

– You need to know the wounds of your partner. Then try to have empathy by reversing your roles to understand the wounds. That doesn’t solve everything but allows you to slow down in a conscious way.

– Know that what you can’t communicate with your partner controls the relationship. If there is something you can’t communicate, you are being restrained by that. Take responsibility for what you’re feeling and what you’re not sharing.

– At the 19-minute mark, Jonathan explains the check-in exercise that I love so much. Without a designated time to check in with your partner, it’s so easy to let things slip and not truly connect. As part of this, make it known how you pull away from the relationship. Share your red flags.

– Relationships are hard work to keep them awake & alive but it’s the fast lane to being awake. No relationships, no relationship problems. But then you’re missing out on this big opportunity to grow yourself. But it’s important to pull from the communications toolbox to do the work.

Fortunately, my wife & I learned about Imago therapy nearly 30 years ago, early in our marriage. I credit it with providing us with a conflict resolution mechanism that might have saved our marriage. I can’t imagine what we would have done without it. Our society unfortunately doesn’t teach us these things in school – the simple basics about how to maintain a relationship. I’ll get off my soapbox.

Anyway, check out the books written by Harville Hendrix, the therapist who invented Imago therapy. There are couples therapists around the world that specialize in Imago…